Exclusive Orgasm Why So Difficult

Recent research results reported by the BBC indicate that 12 percent of women never reach orgasm, and that 75 percent of them do not achieve orgasm during intercourse. Our articles on masturbation offer you some tips for reaching orgasm more easily, and this should help you achieve climax with a partner, too. But what if you are still having trouble?. Orgasm is not just a source of sexual pleasure, but can help reduce or release bodily or emotional tension, soothe menstrual cramps, and create deeper intimacy in relationships. All women in sexually active relationships should be trying to achieve orgasm at least part of the time, if not all of the time, but sadly this does not reflect the reality. This article will explore some of the reasons for this difficulty and offer some suggestions to help.

Physical Causes

The most common reason for a woman's failure to achieve orgasm during sexual activity is simply a lack of adequate stimulation to the clitoris. The majority of women need direct stimulation through touch to achieve orgasm, and this often doesn't happen through intercourse alone. This is the reason, but the underlying cause of this may in fact be insensitivity or lack of knowledge/experience of a partner.

The second most common reason for inability to achieve orgasm during sex is tiredness or general illness. Orgasms are not an automatic function: the body needs to be properly prepared to achieve the right state of, first, relaxation, and then, tension. If a woman is feeling ill, run-down or tired, her body is more interested in resting and healing than it is in achieving sexual satisfaction.

Medical Causes

In some cases, specific illnesses can make achieving orgasm difficult. These tend to be related to conditions that are vascular, neurological or having to do with hormone-deficiency. Hormone deficiency is sometimes the result of menopause, or other conditions. A lack of estrogen production, for example, can lead to insufficient vaginal lubrication, which can make intercourse uncomfortable and thus make it difficult to achieve climax. Vascular disorders can disrupt the blood flow to the vagina; this is similar to the main cause of erectile dysfunction in men, but so far they have not invented the equivalent of drugs like Viagra or Cialis for women. If there has been neurological (nerve) damage, this can affect how women feel stimulation and thus make orgasm difficult because a woman simply does not have adequate touch response in all areas.

Sometimes these kinds of problems are the result of medications. It is not uncommon for women taking certain anti-depressants to find achieving orgasm difficult, because these drugs can make it hard to maintain the necessary muscular tension some women need to achieve climax. Some women (and men) will sometimes stop taking these drugs temporarily if they want to plan to have sex.
Sometimes pelvic surgery (such as repairs made after childbirth) can cause nerve damage at the site of incision, which can lead to loss of sensation. Any of these medical causes may be treatable, so discuss the possibility with your doctor. If he/she seems insensitive to your concerns (it is surprising how many general practitioners find it difficult to sympathize with their patients' sexual concerns), find a good Ob/Gyn to help, or a clinician at a clinic (like your local Planned Parenthood).

If you are getting enough sleep and are in good health, your doctor should be able to help pinpoint any other physical causes. But if your visits to the doctor do not solve the problem, you may have to find another doctor, or explore the non-physical reasons behind this.

Psychological Causes

Some women think their problem with reaching orgasm must be physical because they can't or won't recognize the other possibility: that there is some psychological reason behind it. Our culture is very judgmental of people who are experiencing mental or emotional difficulties, even when these conditions are temporary. Try to approach this matter with an open mind: after all, taking steps to help yourself means you are a healthy and strong person! Most of us experience some amount of anxiety or fear at some point in our lives, and these emotions are often at the root of sexual difficulty. The good news is this can be identified and addressed.

Psychological blocks can be as elusive to pinpoint as the orgasms you're seeking to achieve. A friend or partner may simply urge you to relax, but if it were that easy, you'd have done it already! Mental stress can take a real toll on our well-being, and if we are not feeling safe, comfortable and in control of our lives, it is next to impossible to relax into a state of relaxation that can make sex pleasurable.

Some of the more commonly-mentioned causes related to psychological blocks which may make achieving orgasm difficult are listed below, along with some suggestions to overcome them.

Perfectionism: Believing sex has to be "perfect" or just right in all ways (location, timing, mood etc.). Sometimes the anxiety that everything is not as it should be makes it hard to relax or concentrate. So what if there's dirty laundry on the floor, or you didn't get that pedicure today? Sex is about expressing affection and feeling good, so don't worry about the little stuff.

Fear of "letting go" or loss of control: Many people are "control freaks" and the idea that they may have a momentary loss of absolute control over their behavior is a cause of anxiety. Sex is something that allows us to access a primal, intimate part of ourselves or our partners. We shouldn't worry if we make noise or get emotional or behave with abandon: that's what it's all about!

Poor self-esteem or bad body image: many women think their sex lives would somehow magically improve if they just lose that last twenty pounds, or if their breasts were firmer or larger. Well guess what? Some of the women who report being the most sexually-satisfied are also those who accept their imperfections and love themselves just as they are! So accept your flaws and your beauty: you are whole and complete and deserve pleasure. If your partner is someone who puts you down or makes insulting remarks about your looks, let him or her know this is hurtful to you. If they continue with this behavior you may want to exami ne why you are still in a relationship where you are made to feel inadequate.

Shame or guilt: If you feel ashamed of your sexual behavior or your body, or a re overcome with feelings of guilt over experiencing pleasure, this may be based in childhood experiences. Traumatic or negative experiences related to our bodies or budding sexuality can often have lingering effects and this can affect our sexual pleasure. Maybe you were inappropriately touched by an adult when you were too young to understand. Maybe you experienced date rape as a teenager. Maybe a relative made cruel comments about your body when you were just starting to develop in adolescence. If you experienced anything in the past that you have not fully accepted or moved on from, you may want to consider talking this over with a supportive friend, or getting some therapy to discuss your feelings and work through them.

Stress/distractions: If you have a busy job or life, trying to juggle everything can be challenging to say the least. It is hard to just put it all aside when we want to have sex, but it is necessary to be able to clear your mind and focus on what you're doing. For this period of time, don't worry about your job, family, finances, messy house or car repairs. Take this time to focus on yourself and your partner, and your mutual pleasure.

Relationship tension: If there is unresolved anger or resentment in your relationship, you can't really expect to relax comfortably into sex with this person. Some couples make a rule to never go to bed angry. See if you and your partner can sort things out before you try to have sex.

You may recognize yourself in some of these suggestions, or you may still be unable to figure out why you have trouble reaching orgasm. But don't worry. Many women experience this problem, and it doesn't have to rule your life. Approach it with determination and an open mind. Remember, stress may make it worse! Talk it over with your partner; maybe all you need is a bit more awareness from them so they can help you.

For some specific techniques to help you help your partner to maximize your pleasure, see our article "How Your Partner Can Help You Reach Orgasm.

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but arent most women wanting to learn how to best please the man they are with? arent women who enjoy sex better at it?