 Lost Interest In Sex
It's safe to say the vast majority of our readers maintain a healthy level of sexual interest and activity, whether within a marriage or other committed partnership, in a dating context, or with regular masturbation. But losing interest in sex is something many of us go through at some point. In fact it is fast becoming one of the more common complaints heard by sexual therapists. Usually it is temporary, and sometimes even intentional, as we may choose to go through a period of voluntary celibacy. The energy we usually reserve for sex can be channeled in other ways that are equally fulfilling (like exercise, creative pursuits, meditation, social activities, etc.). But if you're in a relationship and you're finding you are simply not feeling sexual, this also affects your partner and the quality of your relationship. This could possibly lead to powerful feelings of rejection and loss that can soon turn to resentment. Both partners can begin to doubt their sexuality and attractiveness. Often times loss of interest in sex can signal the beginning of problems in the relationship. These problems need to be addressed if the relationship is to survive. Fortunately, loss of sexual desire, while not always easy to pinpoint, is at least a problem that may respond to different approaches. The best way to address this problem is to first try and understand what causes it.
Causes of Loss of Sexual Desire
While there may be any number of reasons why you might initially lose interest in sex, many people agree that once couples are faced with reducing the frequency of their sexual activity due to one partner's lowered libido, it can be difficult to reinvigorate their sex lives again even after the initial problem is resolved
Loss of desire can be a symptom of another, possibly more serious problem such as illness, erectile dysfunction/impotence, painful intercourse or lack of ability to reach orgasm (more common in women than men). Many women lose interest in sex for a while after childbirth and this is a natural response due to fluctuating hormone levels. Some women experience lower levels of sexual desire when they use certain types of hormonally-based birth control, like birth control pills or the Norplant. This can level off in time, but not always. Other medications can also affect libido, including many commonly-prescribed anti-depressants.
Since hormone levels are very connected to emotional states, it can sometimes seem like physical and emotional causes are intertwined and hard to tell where one ends and the other begins. But it is also important to realize that a lessening of sexual desire in an otherwise sexually-alive woman often has its roots in some sort of emotional or psychological issue. These can include poor self-esteem/poor body image; relationship issues; fears/anxieties having to do with sex; or even something about your partner that is a real "turn off" but that you are reluctant to address. Let's look at some of these more closely.
Self-esteem/body image: If you don't like the way you look, or are not happy with yourself, it will probably be difficult to see yourself as desirable or even sexual. Sex is an intimate activity that allows us to share a very private side of ourselves with a partner. If we lack confidence in who we are we will probably not be interested in being intimate. There are many ways to build self-esteem; start with the self-help section of your local bookstore or library. Realize no one is perfect and, if part of your problem is feeling physically unattractive, know that people who radiate confidence automatically look more attractive to strangers than those feeling bad about themselves. We are bombarded with media images of impossibly thin and gorgeous actresses and models, but most of this is an illusion of lights and make-up. These people are under enormous pressure to get plastic surgery, to stay thin with personal trainers and to never ever have a bad hair day. Would you want to live under such scrutiny? Look honestly at your life; are there things you can improve? Are things really that bad? It sounds corny, but count your blessings. Look at all you have that enriches your life: family, friends, work, creative expression, hobbies. Focus on doing what you enjoy and work at changing what you want to improve. Instead of bemoaning your imperfect body, see yourself as strong and in charge of your health, and do things every day to reinforce that: eat healthy foods, get plenty of fresh air, sleep and exercise, and stay positive.
Relationship/partner problems: Is there active conflict in your relationship? This can make it feel like sex is less an expression of love or desire than a duty or even a tool for manipulation. If you are angry at your partner you need to find a way to explore and express these feelings in a safe way. If it is a long-term problem, consider getting some therapy or couples counseling. In some long-term relationships, couples become very close and develop a bond that may make sex feel inappropriate. If you see your partner as a brother or father figure, or if he sees you in the same sort of sisterly or motherly context, sex will feel odd. Or perhaps a previous infidelity in one of his other relationships has left you unable to fully trust your partner, thinking he might repeat the behavior. Seeing a sex therapist can help you identify and resolve these sorts of issues. Sometimes the lack of desire is temporary, and you can't really put your finger on it. In these cases, spending a bit of time apart can help you rekindle that flame. Take separate vacations, if you always go together. If either of you can get the time off from work or family obligations, head out for a long weekend or a few days to visit friends or go on a little retreat. Explain to your partner why you want to do this, that you think it will help your relationship to have some space for a little while. Chances are he will understand and support you in this.
Maybe there are no conflicts or issues but you are simply not finding your partner attractive. This is something that sometimes occurs as couples are together a while and get comfortable in an intimate relationship. Has your partner's physical appearance changed since you were first dating? Maybe he has put on weight or doesn't shave as often. Often times women complain that men let their hygiene slide once they are in a comfortable long-term relationship. Maybe he has some habits that he kept "under wraps" at first but now feels comfortable letting it all hang out. Perhaps it is something as easily solved as the new cologne he is using that you hate the smell of. Or perhaps he used to be a more attentive lover and now he is less likely to spend time on foreplay or put some energy into your pleasure. It is important to be honest and tactful when discussing these matters. Assure him you love him but you are feeling a bit less than romantic lately, and you'd like to be able to improve the situation. Offer the things you are doing to address the issue and let him know you'd like for him to make an effort, too.
Fear/Anxiety: Some women are fearful of accidental pregnancy or sexually-transmitted disease. Certainly these are legitimate fears. But if you are practicing safe sex and have discussed your birth control options with your doctor, these fears may be rooted in a bad past experience or an exaggerated sense of what might happen. Talk to your partner about it; chances are he will respect your concerns and want you to become more comfortable with these issues.
Finally, some conditions and behaviors will have a direct effect, and often a negative one, on sexual desire. These include childbirth and post-partum depression; alcohol or drug abuse problems; depression; illnesses affecting the reproductive organs (which can affect hormone production); illnesses affecting metabolism (such as thyroid conditions); and the use of certain prescription drugs. You can empower yourself by researching these matters on the internet, in addition to discussing them with your doctor. Sometimes these effects are temporary, or there are things that can be done to lessen their effects on your libido.
What You Can Do
Below are some tips for trying to increase your sexual desire, addressing a number of physical and mental areas.
Relax: Just getting rid of your every day stress can work wonders. Take a long walk, do some stretching or yoga, have a long bath, do some deep breathing, listen to soothing music.
Be sensual before you get sexual: Touch your partner in ways that won't automatically lead to sex. Try a nice back rub or massage, or shampoo his hair in the sink (all with clothes on!); this can help you appreciate the pleasure of touch in a non-sexual context which just may help you relax in a sexual situation.
Work those Kegel muscles: These muscles are on the floor of the pelvis. See our article on the website, or try this simple technique. Lie on the floor, pressing your lower back into the floor. Pretend you are trying to shut off the flow of urine; those muscles are the Kegels, and exercising them helps increase blood flow to the genitals and can also help increase sensitivity and awareness of physical sensation. Squeeze them for a few seconds, starting with 15 times and gradually building to more repetitions per day. You can do this anywhere, once you know where the muscles are.
Try fantasy or erotica: sometimes engaging the imagination in a sexual context can help get you in the mood. Maybe your partner would like to share this, too. If you do not normally watch or read porn, you may be surprised at how quickly this can put you in a sexual mood.
Get excited in other ways: Doing things that excite the nervous system and get the heart rate moving can often have an unexpected side effect: making you horny! This includes watching a scary film or TV show, riding carnival rides, bungie jumping, etc. Simple exercise can have the same effect. |
03-01-2007, 11:21 AM
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